Sunday, September 5, 2010

PMS? What?

I am going to tell you that I have officially discovered what PMS is. Or, more specifically, what it does.

Print this out. Give it to any man, woman or child that you know. Then they can understand precisely what is happening to you. I tell you, this is some kind of bullhockey, bologna or whatever else you would like to call it.

This is PMS, hormones, Aunt Ruby or any other multitude of names that people like to give to "that time" I also like to refer to it as the estrogen house of horrors around here. 3 females all trying to navigate different phases of life.

I go to bed at night. I lay there and I think about myself and my life. I am kicking butt and taking names. My kids are healthy and well mannered(most of the time). I am feeling like " I am woman hear me roar"!

My house is looking great for having 7 people who live in it. I love the new awning out back where I can survey my kingdom as I am the Queen of my life!

I have the most wonderful husband who loves to cook, washes clothes and helps around the house and with the kids! I know that sounds like heaven to most women. I know it is to me.

I also have some awesome girlfriends who adore me in spite or my bossiness! They are my biggest fans and the feeling is mutual.

I so rock that I can hardly stand myself

I lay my head down, thanking the Good Lord above for all the blessings he has bestowed upon me and know that the best is yet to come. I curl up beside my sweet little mini weenie dog and drift off to sleep hoping for a good night's rest and wonderful happy dreams.

I wake up the next day to that feeling that we all get when we know what is about to happen.....Within the first hour of being awake I am a complete and total failure as a wife, mother, sister,daughter, friend and co-worker.

I look like hell (why did my perfect hubby even want to marry this), I am the goodyear blimp now. Nothing fits in my drawers so I have to pull on the big huge grandma sweats that cling to my bulging butt and thighs. I might as well pull out the mumu as there is absolutely no way anyone is going to see me looking like rotunda!

My house is nasty and I hate everything and everyone in it. My children are juvenile delinquents and Social Services will be here any minute to come and take them from the hovel that we live in.

I hate everything I own. I have positively nothing to wear and my house is a complete disaster. It is tiny and gross and it will never, ever be clean again. There is no way that I can accomplish anything today, least of all unload the dishwasher.

I am a complete and total failure. My kids, husband, extended family and even my fur people are going to be ashamed to see what a complete idiot I am. I am a loser. I want to eat an entire pizza, at least a bag of peanut M and M's and anything else that I can get my hands on that is bad for me......I don't care if it is cookies, cakes or pies, bring it on. I would go to Publix to pick all this up but do not want to be seen in public in my MuMu or extra humungo sweat pants.

I can feel a huge headache possibly a migraine coming on, no wait it is not a migraine but in my current state of mind a tumor. Great now I will have to get up and go to the doctor but can't as none of my clothes fit and I might have to go out and let people see my gross huge self..........

Yes, people this is what PMS feels like. No, I am not exxagerating and this goes on once a month for 3 very long days. Then I return to normal for the rest of the month (or as normal as I can be).

So, share this with everyone you know, while I go sit on the couch, rub my back and head, eat peanut M & M's and watch lifetime TV.....And cry!


  1. I HATE that time of month. Thats why I had it taken care of. I can totally empathise with you. Or at the very least drop off a bag od peanut m&m's and a bottle of vino...and run like hell. Feel better my precious friend. ILY....mumu or not. And you know you're quite fabulous no matter.